Things to do During the End of the Earth

So now you’re all hooked up with your respective dogma. You are comfortable with your spiritual connection and you have no fear of the supernatural. Just for grins you still bought all your GI Joe survival gear at Cabela’s and even bought one of those magnesium fire starters like that Survivor-man dude on TV. You mined your front and back lawns to ward off strangers and the neighbors dog that pee’s on your lawn flamingo. All means of egress have been sealed off and you placed bars on the windows of your humble abode making your house look like San Quentin. Yup, you are ready Freddie and you are prepared for anything, even a visitation from Mars if need be. As you peer through the periscope you bought at the Army/Navy store you notice little Bobby Zimmermann playing with kids from across the street. It’s a nice day and the birds are enjoying the thermals. As you wipe the fog from the lenses of your gas mask you begin to wonder, “Now What?”

First off, there is nothing wrong with gathering goodies you think you may need in the future. It is anyone’s guess when a catastrophe may strike your neck of the woods but it is always good to be prepared. In my case, I have my dusty and trusty LBE, (Load Bearing Equipment) and it has the basics of what I need to survive if I had to run out of the house buck naked. I’ve already resigned myself to the possibility that I would have to leave tons of supplies, ammo and chow behind if some disaster struck my cave. People who’ve survived fires, tornados and flash floods will tell you that you only have a split second to find safety and you can’t rummage around for your favorite hunting cap in the process. Even grabbing your pack can poise a danger if it’s not easily accessible. But in all reality, you should asses what types of hazards your region already experiences. Planning for them should be a no-brainer since the *Federal Emergency Management Agency or your local Office of Emergency Management will have emergency action plans at the ready. In fact many contingency plans are designed for a multitude of natural and man made events already. So save yourself some time and check out the existing available resources in your community and know the locations of your shelters.

Wow wee, that took all of one day to accomplish so now what?  Well this is where it gets complicated. Take all your biological gear off, put your guns away, pull all the nails out of the windows and doors then call your boss, provided you still have a job, and get back to work. So we are living in a time of great change, get over it. You can’t get freaked out over things you are powerless to control anyway. I still go out and feed the horses, hang out with friends and go to the store to buy a soda. I even travel all over the country and I still did not get whacked by a meteorite. Hmm, well I also traipse around in the woods and hang out at the lake so I probably am exposed to more than my share of gamma and x-rays. Being prepared does not mean you have to move to a bunker and hide in a tub of holy water waiting for the rabid hordes to crest the edge of your driveway. Once you are prepared spiritually everything else is a piece of cake relatively speaking.

I’ve made preparations for survival and though I am spiffed up with more than my share of supplies I still have my elders to consider if and when we have to move in a hurry. Hopefully I would be able to retrieve them quickly during an emergency, provided I am here. But this is where living in a little village has its advantages since we all watch out for each other. We younger goons keep an extra eye on our elderly and handicapped as a general rule. So I think I have all the bases covered, for now anyway. But there are other things a person could do while waiting for the end of the world;

Go to Las Vegas, hang out at Margaretville and have a few drinks while people watching. If you spot Jamie Lee Curtis walking by pretend you don’t know it’s her or she will give you this crusty, “Don’t say a word or I will kill you” look, ouch!

Order a Mile High Pizza at this quaint little pizza stand in downtown Talkeetna Alaska. Better yet, get two plane tickets and take me with you and we can fish for halibut at Millers Landing on the Kenai Peninsula. Screw it; let’s just go salmon fishing this season. You can write it off as a survival training exercise.

Buy yourself a 72 oz. steak at the Big Texan while in Amarillo and see if you can eat it all without exploding. Better yet, head on to Winnipeg, order up some ribs at Muddy Waters and get zonked on their smoothies. Then run up to the bandstand at The Forks and sing Monty Python’s **“Lumberjack Song” to a group of vacationing loggers from British Columbia.

When your cousin Guido gets out of prison suggest he run for public office since he has all the qualifications. Then get him on the Conan O’Brian Show to announce his candidacy for president. Just remember to bring Tupperware so you can load up on shrimp and other shell fish if Conan is not to cheap to stock the greenroom. Don’t forget to load up on the sodas, juice and water in the little fridge in the corner. Hopefully Team Coco replaced the leaky MSNBC Styrofoam ice chest Conan stole when he got the ax.

Buy a pair of up sweep exhaust pipes with fish tails for your 53’ Pan-head Harley-Davidson then cruise down to San Francisco and ride across the Golden Gate Bridge at 4 am just as the fog rolls in. Well I thought that was bitchen anyway. Guess you had to be there eh.

The long and the short of it all is to be prepared both physically and spiritually for just about anything and always give yourself plenty of means of egress. What ever you do, don’t get all spazzed out over the time of change since there is nothing you can do other than prepare you and your loved ones the best you can. Go to Wendy’s and eat a square hamburger or something but get out of the house and enjoy yourself. What ever. You’ll have plenty of time to feel miserable when modern conveniences finally take a dump later on. But then again, what if the end of the world never arrives and we are forced to live in corporate tyranny working at a sweatshop assembling “The People’s Jockstrap” for Wal-Mart @ $0.50 a day?

At the very least you will have some cool camping equipment and cases of tasteless survival crackers. Besides, it’s not the end of the earth anyway. It’s only the end of a cycle but I guess it could be the end of the world for you if you wanted it to be. But that will cost you extra.

* Federal Emergency Management Agency

** Lumber Jack Song

Your Devil’s Advocate


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